Posted by Strange Brewer on February 07, 2002 at 14:57:25:
How To Save Your Ass If You Plan To Visit Wisconsin This Summer
> > - Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors -
> >
> > 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Lodge.
> > It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let
> > them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in
> > the kitchen they'll kick your ass.
> >
> > 2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan,
> > Menominee, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just
> > have to kick your ass.
> >
> > 3) Don't order a bottle or a can of pop here. Here it's
> > called "soda". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
> > ass kicking.
> >
> > 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than
> > you are. We are also better educated and generally a lot
> > nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick
> > your ass.
> >
> > 5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living
> > here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in
> > judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let
> > someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If
> > someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
> >
> > 6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything
> > that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad.
> > And don't laugh at our love and pride of cheese or we'll kick
> > your ass.
> >
> > 7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter,
> > so shut up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of
> > here or we'll kick your ass.
> >
> > 8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner.
> > Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your
> > steak well done like God intended and have some potatoes with
> > that, for Heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is
> > or we'll kick your ass.
> >
> > 9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent.
> > That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.
> >
> > 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
> > know better. Many of us have visited big-city hellholes like
> > Detroit, New York, and Chicago, and we have the scars to prove
> > it. If you don't like it here, Interstates 90, 94, and 43 are
> > ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets
> > kicked.
> >
> > 11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and
> > farmland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick
> > your ass all the way back to Chicago.
> >
> > 12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to.
> > We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old
> > folks because such things are expected of civilized people.
> > Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired
> > grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass
> > just like they did ours.
> >
> > 13) So, you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live
> > on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough
> > sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools
> > like New York, Detroit, Chicago or L.A. Make fun of our
> > fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
> >
> > 14) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.
> >
> > 15) If you are looking for a water fountain, you'll need to go
> > to a park. Water comes out of bubblers here. Make a joke
> > about it, and you guessed it, another ass kicking.
> >
> > 16) Sausage Races are cool. Make fun of it, and one of the
> > Sausages will come up from the field of Miller Park and lay
> > down an 8 foot sausage ass kicking on you.
> >
> > 17) The University of Wisconsin is the oldest, best school in
> > The Big Ten. Any jokes about the quality of UW will result
> > in Barry Alvarez, Ron Dayne, Dick Bennett, Bo Ryan, Pat
> > Richter, and any able bodied UW students assisting Bucky
> > Badger in a demonstration of his class, Ass-Kicking 101.
> >
> > 18) If you are from Atlanta, for your own safety, say you are
> > from somewhere else, lest you get your ass kicked. (Take
> > three sports franchises from Milwaukee and we have a
> > tendency to hold a grudge.)
> >
> > 19) The Green Bay Packers are NOT a joke. God created the
> > greatest football dynasty ever and placed it in Green Bay.
> > Any jokes about the Packers or Vince Lombardi will result
> > in a SEVERE and UNRELENTING ass kicking.
ENJOY YOUR STAY... Or you will get an ass kicking!