Posted by Kona LabRat on August 18, 2002 at 09:42:24:
St. Strange on 17-Aug-02 at 10:27 PM CDT @ 12.162.217.29
In the name of the Grain Mill, the Mash Tun, and the Holy Fermentor, it is time for a reading from the book of St. Strange.
And it came to pass, that it was once again time for the Tribe of Brewrats to gather as it was appointed in the anals of Gambrinus. For verily, there were signs in the Chat of Skot calling for a gathering of the tribe. As it was appointed so it came to pass, and as one the Rats did swarm to the River of Iron in the Land of Wisconsin which in the tongue of the Barbarians means "The Land of Drunken Tourists, the Nation of Cow Shit and Beer Farts."
And lo, there was much beer to be drank and they feasted upon the wings of chickens, the fish of the Lakes, they did eat the Bratwurst, the pancakes, the Babi Kadjap. They were entertained by strange music from a box that booms, and the rats were glad for they had indulged in all the good things that Rats dream of as they slave over a hot computer keyboard.
And their names are legion as are their excesses. Shall we not recite their names one by one as they are writ in the Great Brewmaster's Book?
Stout Don, A Semi-fat, Semi-old, Semi-bald guy, grain king and all-around good fellow.
Dorothy, who has finally stopped speaking baby talk after being exposed to adults for three days.
Skot, who told me if I said anything bad about him, he would ban me from the rest of this speech. But I am not afraid, he cannot shut me up here, I can say anything (silent mouthing of words).
Aleman, the talkative brother Cowan never had.
Alewife, probably the most boistrous person at Fest.
Stella, who gets hair grooming tips from Larry of the Three Stooges.
Hopboy, Frycook extraordinaire, whom we love despite the fact that he gets his shirts from the New Hampshire State Hospital for the Criminally Insane.
Piper, the chat's resident liberal who religiously watches Rosie O'Donnell and is a charter member of the Oprah Winfrey softer and gentler Men's Club.
Nathi, a man who spends $200 on a keg of Foo Foo Beer can't be all bad or all there.
Heidi, who wants a large caliber handgun to go target shooting with Nathi, only he doesn't know he's the target.
Tall Dave, once you have met him you understand why his best friends are algae.
Tony, who used to live in Tex-Ass, but now lives in Tennessee and thinks that's an improvement.
Biker Bob. In his case, the tin foil around his head is an improvement.
Muff, who will give lessons in public speaking later this evening.
Muffette, who not only drinks Miller Lite with Ice in it, she also won the 50/50 -- that's just WRONG.
Lothar, what can you say? (APPLAUSE)
Lothar, the travel agent called. Your tickets to Brazil are in, do you want the Ratfest money now?
Beerthief, a man who is that into paddles probably has a pretty kinky sex life.
Pegleg, a man who believes in friendship and harmony with all the locals.
Oogie Wa Wa, a man who cooks eggs to order just before he gets cooked, but he won't do Sunny Side Up on the first date.
DaBull, who is fond of seagoing travel with drunken skippers.
And now a word about Macgregor and Aubrey:
For insomuch as man is made from mortal flesh and doomed to die, he is but a dog who labors through the working day, and having finished his day of work is entitled to sit easy in his chair of repose and ease his troubled mind and aching body in the beer God has given him for to lighten his weary spirit. He bringeth children into the world and they are his joy, but also his worry; yet they feareth for their happiness, and he struggles to bring them up in trying times so they may know joy in their turn. Give him a beer for them. He liveth with woman, his helpmate, who he does not understand, and who sometimes driveth him crazy. Yet she is the flesh of his flesh, and partner of his sorrows and joys. Give them both a beer so they may be joyful and enjoy one more time the pleasure in each other's company that is without sin, and innocent as the clear water that maketh the beer that comforts them. Yea, give them beer at all times. At weddings so they may reojoice in the new partnership of love that God has created, let there be beer at the triumph of victories for in this short life it is good that we celebrate the small victories and great. Beer; thou art food and drink, and comfort and distraction. You make me foolish like a child and wise as a sage. I thank the kindly God who made them for me, and I praise the when I boil and I sparge. For thee are worthy of praise and respct. And may the beer Gods smile on Mac and Aubrey throughout their life together.
Norty, who continues to labor under the misapprehension that women find him attractive, while at the same time guys are lining up for rim jobs.
Plunge, who speaks a language of his own (loud fart noises).
Macker, who has answered the question of "what's under that kilt"? Answer, according to the ladies, "damn little".
Livewire, who served as a role model for the lead for "Natural Born Killers".
Metal, living proof that some people *should* wear mullets.
NT, one of the toughest drinking of all the Rats.
It's tough to give drink to a man who passes out after three beers.
Tex, who was Bob Vila in a previous existence, or was that Ichabod Crane?
Barney, wild and crazy guy, whose personality is as colorful as the Newark phone book.
Cowan, who is now moonlighting as a Brillo Pad.
Heather, who is promised $50,000 and a haircut for her husband if she didn't get "Heathered" at fest.
Parker, who is soon to be a daddy, in preparation for which he is becoming a DARE instructor.
Lex, the mom-to-be, who is praying that the child does not look like the milkman, the mailman, the UPS guy, or the paperboy.
Pacman, part owner of a 55-gallon brew system he's only seen twice. He continues to brew with a Zap Pap.
Hopfenkopf, who has been awake through all of fest, especially the auction (SNORE).
Happy Birthday, Rip Van Winkle!
Sauce, a man in a hurry, who doesn't let little things like screen doors get in his way.
Mikeweiser, he just wants you to think those were chicken legs -- have you seen any crows lately?
Zonker, who showed the most mature judgment by leaving in horror a day early.
Bulliwyf, who is a fine example of Lutheran Sobriety. Would you buy a retirement plan from this man?
Christoper, who as a 14 year old shows great promise as a future Rat.
Arlette, the eternal optimist, who after 30 years of marriage still thinks she can civilize me.
Erich, can anyone tell me why he's trying to learn to say "Hey Baby Wanna Party" in Spanish?
Marcia, do you really think she intended us to EAT all that jelly?
Bernie Lomax, what can you say about a guy whose role model is a corpse?
King G, who will soon be running naked through the woods like it was at Stevens Point.
Nikki, who drove 6 hours to watch her husband get smashed witha bunch of strangers.
And finally your Humble narrator, Strange Brewer, who has had more fun with this evening than anything he's ever done since the preacher's daughter took him up to the church steeple adn showed him the Holy Ghost. I am privileged to have known each and every one of you and have only one thing to say -- anyone want to buy 60 pounds of potatoes?
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, beer without end, Amen. We gather to confess our sins. Yea though it is written that you shall not beer before it it ready, we have drank from the secondary ferment -- we are SINNERS and not worthy of Chimay, but we pray forgiveness for drinking Budweiser from cans, though we are degraded having belched Blue Ribbon burps and farted Miller farts, thou art Almighty and a Forgiving Brew God and we ask thy forgiveness. We beseach thee to take us unto thy great Lagering House, where we shall dwell in the presence of thy great and wonderful bright tanks all the days of our lives, and we shall not wander from the goodness of thy dark ales nor the beauty of thy lagers, so help us Fritz Maytag. AMEN
Thus Spaketh St. Strange.